IN HIS GRIP: CHANGED

Change. It’s one of the most constant things I pray to God for. To be molded and refined. I think change is the boldest and most courageous thing I could ever ask for because it is a thing I used to dread most. I hated change. One thing I learned is that asking God to change me also requires asking more of His grace. God’s changing process would demand total submission and it definitely means I would go through fire. There is absolutely nothing comfortable in going through that. It isn’t something I could do on my own. I need God to change me, and supply the grace that I need to withstand it. I need the presence of the Holy Spirit to sustain me.

A dear friend recently asked me, “Are you usually this quiet? When do you actually talk a lot?” I kind of smiled at the question, more out of awe at how God answers my prayers to reveal things in me that need change. It also saddened me a bit though (okay, maybe more), knowing that somehow the person I am right now here in America is quite different from who I was back home. It was like as if I grew in some areas in my life, but regressed in others.

Indeed, I am a quiet person. I am an introvert. I am a complex person. I love being around people but at the end of the day, I’d seek solitude. I have this childhood memory of how my entire family would sit in the family room together to watch TV and I’d sneak upstairs to the bedroom to read or write or sing or listen to the radio or draw. Subconsciously, I felt at peace being alone in the room knowing that my family downstairs was okay.

But those who’ve known me for a long time knows another side of me. Yes, they know that I could be quiet, but they know how crazy I can be. They’ve witnessed times when I’d fall silent and times when I needed to be silenced (haha). They know that I could crack the meanest jokes and have the weirdest laugh. I don’t even know if any of my closest friends would label me as boring (well who knows?).

Only recently I’ve noticed that I haven’t really laughed the way I used to or even cracked a joke for the longest time. I think I’ve even forgotten how my real laugh sounded like. I’ve just been through a lot of emotional turmoil and spiritual battles for many months that somehow I came out different – hardened. I would be staring at space for long moments as war in my head waged in. I felt like a threatened little turtle that had to retreat its head into its shell...again.

Search my heart. Know my anxious thoughts. See if there’s any offensive way in me. Lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24) Indeed, the Lord has searched and the Lord has revealed. And in the midst of the chaos going through my head and heart, a strong quiet voice commanded – give them up to Me, child.

And I did. With my palms raised up – I did. I surrendered them all up to my King so that He could conquer and defeat them. It wasn’t my battle but His. He is my victory.

Change. It isn’t comfortable but it has become something I have begun to desire. God is my Potter, I am the clay (Isaiah 64:8). I will be molded and I will be baked through intense fire and come forth as an exquisitely resilient vessel. I am a work of His hands. May this finished product declare the glory of the One who created me. (Colossians 3:10 “and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator). Amen.